Enmeshment 101 - What it is and Steps You Can Take
Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP
Being enmeshed with someone is draining to your mental health and well-being. You may experience an intense sense of guilt or anxiety when you are not with the other person. Enmeshment may disguise itself as a “close” relationship. However, there are a few key differences that can be detrimental to your health.
What is enmeshment?
Enmeshment is when you become overly involved or connected with another person. This could include a parent, a sibling, a partner, or even a friend. Unlike healthy relationships that make you feel safe, independent, and confident, enmeshed relationships tether your feelings to the other person–and their feelings to you. In these cases, both parties “lose” themselves and their identities to the other person.
For example, if you had a great day at work, but your partner didn’t, you may find yourself unconsciously matching their mood instead of feeling happy for yourself while sympathizing with your partner.
What causes enmeshment?
What exactly causes someone to become enmeshed can widely vary. Oftentimes, individuals are raised in it. Parents may enmesh themselves with their child by being too overbearing and denying the child an opportunity to grow independently. This can lead the child to learn unhealthy relationship habits and repeat similar relationship patterns in adulthood.
Other causes may include a traumatic event or illness that causes individuals to become overprotective, even after the danger has passed.
Family trauma and enmeshment
Enmeshment is most often experienced in dysfunctional or abusive households. If you are the child of enmeshing parents, you may find yourself constantly reading their moods so you can decide how to act and feel. While this is a useful survival tactic when needed, the greatest danger comes when you no longer know how you feel independent of them.
Abusive or enmeshing caregivers may justify their poor behavior by ignoring boundaries and using their “closeness” to their child to justify the abuse. For example, instead of apologizing for forgetting to pick their child up from school, they may say something like, “I’m so glad you understand me so well. I bet other parents wish they were as close to their children as I am to you.” This behavior from the parent may lead to you diminishing the trauma as an adult.
Enmeshment vs. codependency
Enmeshment and codependency sound similar, but there is a very distinct difference.
Codependency
Codependency is when you rely on another person so much that you lose your identity to them. While this might sound like enmeshment, it differs because the person you depend on doesn't reciprocate the same dependence. In other words, if you walked out of their life, they might be angry, but they could continue functioning and would likely begin looking for someone to take your place.
Codependent relationships often perpetuate poor behavior from the person you are dependent on. Often the codependent person enables the other person in an effort to keep their attention and love.
Enmeshment
Enmeshment is more of a two-way street than codependency is. When two or more people are enmeshed, they rely on each other equally, but to an unhealthy degree. As explained earlier, enmeshment is when you and another person become so involved in each other's lives that you begin to lose your identity. If they feel sad, you feel sad. Boundaries between you are blurred or non-existent, and being separated may cause extreme emotional discomfort.
Signs you may be enmeshed with someone
Signs and symptoms of enmeshment will look a little different for everyone. However, there are a few key things to look out for in your relationships.
The other person determines your emotions and feelings. This is one of the most prominent signs of enmeshment. An example of this would be if your mom gets angry because someone cut her off in the parking lot; you also get angry, regardless of whether or not you agree that she was cut off.
You experience the other person’s emotions. This is different from sympathy, where you imagine how sad someone who is going through a difficult time must feel.
Experiencing the other person’s emotions in an enmeshed relationship includes not only feeling sad when they do but also feeling every other emotion. If your partner is frustrated at not being able to find the TV remote, you may also feel yourself taking on that emotion. You may even find yourself pausing what you were doing to help search so that you can go back to feeling calm.
Struggling to make your own decisions. Making decisions for yourself is vital to living an emotionally healthy life. When you are enmeshed with someone else, you will likely have difficulty making any kind of decision without them. In contrast, in a healthy relationship, you might consult your partner and get their opinion, but their input doesn’t dictate your final decision.
Lack of privacy or boundaries. Healthy relationships are built on boundaries, so when they are blurred or ignored, it becomes difficult to distinguish between what you want and what the other person wants. Oversharing private details can also be a sign of enmeshment and boundary-breaking.
You feel responsible for the other person’s emotional well-being. For example, when they get angry or upset, you may feel anxious and find yourself apologizing (even if you have nothing to apologize for) and trying to “fix” the situation.
Giving up your own wants and needs to mesh with the other person and suppressing your feelings. If you are in an enmeshed relationship, you may find it difficult to have an opinion, want, or need that differs from the other person.
Deep fear of conflict. No one enjoys conflict, but if you are in an enmeshed relationship, you may find you fear it deeply. Conflict in this kind of relationship typically happens when one person stands up for themselves, something the other person is not used to. This can lead to arguments and anxiety, but remember that standing up for yourself is a vital part of healing.
Fear of abandonment. Being in an enmeshed relationship often comes with strong ties formed from a demanded loyalty. If this unhealthy form of loyalty isn’t given, for example, spending more time with your friends than with your parents, you may experience guilt and fear of being “cut out” or excluded from the relationship due to your actions.
Healing from an enmeshed relationship
Healing from enmeshed relationships takes time and effort and often involves professional support. Recognizing the signs in your relationship is the first step toward healing. Once you understand the unhealthy behaviors, you can work towards healing from them.
Separate: Boundaries
Separation between two people doesn’t always mean physical distance. Separation in an enmeshed relationship is determining where you end and the other person begins. Boundaries are a necessary component of disconnecting and formulating those lines between two people.
When it comes to setting boundaries, start with something small, like saying No when you don’t want to do something and keeping some things private. Try talking to the person you are enmeshed with about how you are feeling. Not all enmeshed relationships end in estrangement. If the other person agrees, consider attending therapy together. However, keep in mind that the other person may not be ready to heal, and distance from each other may be the healthiest thing for both of you.
Differentiate: Self-care and self-discovery
Being in an enmeshed relationship denies you the opportunity to get to know yourself. This is one of the first things you will need to do as you heal. Don’t be afraid to try new things or spend time by yourself. Enlisting the support of a therapist can help you stay focused on your healing journey.
Learning more about enmeshment and how it works can also be helpful. Consider reading books like When He's Married to Mom and Silently Seduced by Dr. Ken Adams or The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Dr. Pat Love. Dr. Adams also has a blog dedicated to the subject of enmeshment.
Other options for further education include an Enmeshment workshop facilitated by Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, CSAT, CPTT, SEP, and developed by Dr. Ken Adams. Click here for more details.
The more you learn and understand, the easier it will be to spot unhealthy habits in all of your relationships.
Emancipate
Emancipation is the next step when recovering from an enmeshed relationship. Consider putting your chosen family and friends above your enmeshing relationship. This is also where your career interests, self-interests, and other avenues of life you have yet to explore can take center stage and help you discover who you are.
Therapy
While reading on the subject can help you understand the affliction in broad terms, therapy from a licensed professional is one of the best ways to discover how your specific enmeshed relationship has affected you and how to heal. If you have decided to separate yourself from the enmeshed relationship, individual therapy might be the best option for you.
However, since many enmeshed relationships happen within a family, separation is more difficult and not always the best choice (if you are the parent for example). Instead, consider family therapy to help everyone involved learn healthy habits, strong boundaries, and good communication skills. It's important to note that individual therapy is recommended if you are an adult separating from a parent.
The Institute for Relational Recovery is experienced in helping those heal from enmeshed relationships and dysfunctional families. If you are interested in working with a therapist or have other mental health concerns, contact us on our contact page or call (214) 906-5138.
Look for other articles on enmeshment in this blog coming soon!
About the Author
Erin Wysong-Warren
LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP