What is Trauma Bonding?
Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, SEP, NCC, CSAT, CPTT
Trauma bonding is when a victim of abuse forms an attachment to the abuser. This typically happens in romantic relationships but can also occur in business partnerships, between family members (particularly between parent and child), and even friends.
Trauma bonding involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. Someone may physically harm you, yell at you, or abuse you in other ways, only to later tell you how sorry they are or that they love you and can’t imagine their life without you.
The abuser may try to convince you that the abuse is your fault or that you are making them do it. They may say things like, "If you had listened to me, I wouldn't have to hurt you," or "I wish you didn't make me do this."
Throughout a trauma-bonded relationship, you may experience "good" times. Loving words, praise, etc., make you want to forgive the abuser for their behavior. This is how the trauma bond forms. It uses the victim's willingness to forgive and forget as a tool to keep them in the relationship.
However, it's important to remember that you are not responsible for the actions of others, nor do you deserve to be with someone who causes you harm. It may be time to leave and/or seek support if you notice this pattern.
Signs of trauma bonding
Recognizing trauma bonding signs can be difficult while you are in the relationship. However, here are a few to look out for.
Feeling the need to make excuses or hide the abuser's behavior, such as wearing makeup to cover a bruise or laughing off a hurtful comment thinking they "didn't mean it"
Feeling as though you can't leave the relationship or situation
Thinking the abuse is your fault or that you deserve it
The abuser tries to make up for the behavior, only to repeat it again and again in a never-ending cycle
The abuser makes grand promises of change but never does
The abuser isolates you from your loved ones
Trusting the abuser despite their poor behavior
Feeling loyal to the abuser no matter what they put you through
Wanting approval from the abuser
Only thinking about the "good days” and ignoring the abuse
Why is it so hard to leave a trauma-bonded relationship?
The abuse and beg-for-forgiveness/gaslighting cycle
One reason it's so difficult to leave a trauma-bonded relationship is its cyclical nature. The cycle starts with abuse; if confronted, the abuser may beg for forgiveness or downplay the severity, leaving the victim feeling obligated to forget the incident. Then, the abuser may treat the victim well for a while, only for the abuse to happen again and restart the cycle.
The greatest danger comes from the fact that forgiveness is a virtue and vital for healthy relationships. The abuser knows this and will use it to keep the victim from leaving without changing the behavior long-term.
Brain chemistry
Brain chemistry can also make leaving difficult. Sometimes, a victim of abuse will form an addiction to the abuser. This happens when the abuser shows "love," which releases hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine and makes the victim feel safe. In healthy relationships, this is a good thing; however, the problem comes in when that bond isn't guaranteed.
Through the cycle of abuse, asking for forgiveness, "good" times, and more abuse, the victim may become addicted to the feeling of being loved because they never know when it will disappear again, creating an obsession and making breaking away all the more difficult.
Examples of trauma bonding
Trauma bonding will look different depending on your situation, but here are some key factors based on different types of relationships.
An abusive spouse
If you are trauma bonded to an abusive spouse, you may be isolated from friends and family or lingering on the "good" times, like when you said your wedding vows or other instances where the relationship felt “normal.”
One real-life example may include experiencing an argument in the morning, only to spend the rest of the day justifying your partner's hurtful words or any physical harm they may have caused you.
A narcissistic parent
Much like dealing with an abusive spouse, if you are trauma bonded to a narcissistic parent, you may blame yourself for their poor moods or abusive behavior. Because a parent is often the first relationship you experience, recognizing the trauma bonding pattern may be difficult. Still, pay attention to how phrases like "Do you know how much I do for you?" or "I gave up my life for you" make you feel. If you experience guilt or shame at these words, it may be a sign of trauma bonding.
Coworkers, bosses, and friends
Trauma bonding is less likely to happen within coworker relationships and friendships, but it's still possible, especially if you are lonely and don’t have any others to reach out to. The patterns and signs are much the same as in any other relationship. The damage it can cause is just as painful, so don’t be afraid to seek professional support.
Bosses can also cause you to feel trauma bonded to them. They may yell or take advantage of your work ethic, only to tell you how much they need you and guilt you into staying late or turning down another job opportunity.
Cult or unhealthy groups
Trauma bonding is key for keeping a cult or unhealthy group together. They will use tactics such as isolation “you don't need them, they're too negative," fear-mongering "other groups are lying to you," and other means to keep you attached to the group.
If you find yourself afraid or unwilling to listen to arguments that oppose that of your group (friends, family, religion, company, etc.), it may be a sign of trauma bonding within your group.
Healing from a trauma-bonded relationship
Once you recognize the signs of trauma bonding, the next step is to remove yourself from the situation. If you live with the abuser, separating yourself could become dangerous. Ensuring you have an exit plan, such as enlisting the help of loved ones or a mental health professional and having a safe place to go is important.
If you want to break your trauma bond with a friend, coworker, or boss, the same strategy can be applied, though relocating may not be necessary. However, if you live alone, consider staying with someone you trust if you are unsure how the abuser will react.
What happens if I tell my therapist?
If you disclose abuse to your therapist, they will help you create a safety plan. This plan will help you stay physically and mentally safe as you separate yourself from the abuser.
Every therapy practice is different, but if you work with a therapist from The Institute for Relational Recovery (IRR), your therapist will first help you to create a safety plan, if it is needed. Then your therapist will teach you self-regulation skills such as grounding techniques, controlled breathing, as well as other somatic strategies developed to reset your nervous system. From there, you will learn about healthy boundaries and develop ones appropriate for your unique situation. Your therapist can help you gain perspective through individual therapy work, therapy groups, and appropriate support groups.
Education is essential for healing, moving on, and avoiding harmful situations in the future. Understanding your unique history with relationships and exploring the origins of the trauma bond will help in the healing process. The therapists at IRR are trained to help you do this.
When looking for a therapist, consider seeking out a therapist who is trained in addressing trauma and addictions, and who also has experience with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Somatic Experiencing (SE). These therapy methods are used for healing trauma and building internal resources to help with emotional regulation. Therapists at The Institute for Relational Recovery (IRR) are certified by The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) as CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and CPTTs (Certified Partner Trauma Therapist), are fully trained in EMDR, SE, or both, and have been trained in addressing Enmeshment, Developmental Trauma, Betrayal Trauma, as well as Process and Behavioral Addictions.
If you decide to work with a therapist from The Institute for Relational Recovery, you may also work through books like The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
Conclusion
Whether you seek help through The Institute for Relational Recovery or another practice, it's important to remember you are not to blame for the abuse. It's also important to note that your conversations with your therapist are confidential. The only time a therapist can legally break this confidentiality is if you are at risk for causing harm to yourself or others or if your therapist suspects child, elder, or dependent adult abuse. (Your therapist will go over the details of this during your first session.)
Still, remember that your therapist is there for you, and the laws around confidentiality are to help you and those around you stay safe.
If you are interested in working with a therapist, are experiencing an abusive relationship, or have other mental health concerns, contact us on our contact page or call (214) 906-5138.
We are here for you.
About the Author
Erin Wysong-Warren
LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT