What To Do if Your Wife or Girlfriend is Enmeshed With Her Parents
Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP
Enmeshment occurs when the boundaries between individuals become so intertwined that they blur or vanish altogether. While commonly observed within family dynamics, particularly between parents and children, enmeshment can manifest in various relationships.
Enmeshment between your partner and her family is often difficult to spot, often written off as her just being close to them. However, if you feel her family and her loyalties to them come between you and your relationship, it may be due to enmeshment.
To learn more about enmeshment in general, how to identify it in yourself and others, what causes it, and more, check out our post "Enmeshment 101 - What it is and Steps You Can Take."
Signs your partner may be enmeshed with her parents
While it may be difficult to spot enmeshment between a woman and her family immediately, you may notice signs over time. Some of these include:
Lack of boundaries between her and her family of origin. Difficulties in establishing a separate identity and maintaining healthy relationships outside her family often is a symptom of enmeshment. An example of a lack of boundaries is sharing intimate details with her family of origin or putting their needs before yours.
Very rigid boundaries for you. Frustration can quickly build if you feel she has strict boundaries for you but not her family of origin. This is a common occurrence in relationships where the woman is enmeshed with her parents and may be one of the first signs you notice.
She allows her parents to ignore the boundaries you have for your children. You may notice that the rules you have for your children go out the window when her parents show up. For example, they ignore the limits of how much sugar you allow your children to have. Your partner's inability to stand up to her parents when they violate such boundaries can be confusing if you aren't aware of enmeshment dynamics.
Her family dictates her mood. If her mood is consistently based on interactions or events involving her family, it can indicate a high level of emotional dependency or enmeshment. That doesn't mean her mood should never be affected; it simply means she should be able to function healthily outside of her family of origin.
She struggles to make decisions. She may feel paralyzed when it comes to making decisions for herself. Often, in enmeshed families, the parents discourage or prevent their children from making choices on their own. Her difficulties in making decisions as an adult may stem from a fear of upsetting her family or from a fear of not making the right decision without her parents' guidance. This can impede personal or shared goals and create tension within your relationship.
Giving up her desires for her family. She may prioritize keeping the peace with her family of origin at the expense of your relationship which can result in resentment and dissatisfaction for both you and her.
Refusing to separate herself from her family. Resistance to establishing healthy boundaries or creating distance from her family of origin, even if it's making her unhappy or coming between your relationship, can be a major sign of enmeshment.
Prioritizing her family of origin over you or your children. While a desire to serve her family can be good and culturally acceptable or expected in many cultures, it becomes a concern when her loyalty or attention consistently leans toward her family of origin at the expense of your relationship or the well-being of your children.
How enmeshment impacts the family you have together
Enmeshment between your wife or girlfriend and her family impacts every aspect of your relationship–from communication to feeling secure in her love towards you. Children can complicate the situation further, but remember that learning about it is a significant first step towards healing.
If you have children, she may neglect them in favor of her family of origin, or she may enmesh with them as her parents did to her. Remember that these actions aren't intended to hurt you or the children you have together. Enmeshment is challenging to work through, and if your partner grew up in it, it's likely all she knows. Still, there are things you need to look out for.
If she neglects your children
Sometimes, enmeshment will cause a woman to put her family of origin above even that of her children. If this is the case for you and your family, meeting your children's needs may be up to you. It's not fair, but it's crucial to ensure their needs are met no matter the circumstances.
However, this doesn't mean you have to give up or walk away. Talk to your wife or girlfriend about your concerns, and suggest ways to bond together as a family, such as a trip or a movie night. Try to bring up family bonding without involving her family of origin. If she asks to invite them, remember it's okay to have boundaries, and kindly let her know you would rather keep the event between you, your children, and her.
If the neglect puts your children in an unsafe environment, such as being left unattended when you can't be there, it may be time to consider more drastic measures.
If she becomes enmeshed with your children
Enmeshment is extremely detrimental to a child's emotional development. It can hinder their ability to express their own emotions and make it more difficult to make and keep healthy boundaries later in life. Even just being exposed to enmeshment can skew a child's view of healthy relationships.
Gently talk to your wife or girlfriend about boundaries between the two of you as parents and your child. For example, being mindful of exposing your child to potentially stressful topics, or avoiding speaking ill of each other or other people in front of them. Framing this conversation as something you both need to keep in mind will help keep her from becoming defensive.
Enmeshment can take years to heal, and outside support is often needed. Consider suggesting family therapy, and if that isn't something she's willing to do, consider therapy for your children to help them learn healthy boundaries and coping skills.
Learning to cope with a wife or girlfriend who is enmeshed with her parents
The first step is realizing you're not alone. Enmeshment between a woman and her parents is more common than most people realize. Learning how to go about your relationship can be challenging when enmeshment is involved. However, there are still a few things you can do to help.
Recognize how she may be feeling. She may have a lot of anxiety about being separated from them while simultaneously wanting desperately to carve her own path. Often, women feel trapped in these family relationships. Seeing her side will help you cultivate empathy for the situation.
Gently start conversations about your frustrations. Have these conversations when things are calm, and there is nothing to distract either of you. Tell her how much time she spends with her family makes you feel. If you think her boundaries with you are far more rigid than with them, communicate that, but be careful to do so gently and avoid coming across as accusatory.
Avoid speaking ill of her family or monitoring contact. Do your best to speak kindly of her family and get along with them as best you can. Keeping tabs on her will only drive her away. Still, your feelings are important, too, so don't be afraid to raise your concerns—just do it tactfully.
Identify/share your needs with her. You are with this woman because you love her and want to build a life with her. Take some time to identify what you need from her and communicate that. Perhaps you would like a date night every week where neither of you look at your phone, or you'd like her to let you know when she plans to see her family so it doesn't disrupt your schedule.
Seek individual and couples counseling. Therapy can be a great asset in ensuring both of your needs are met, especially if you enlist the help of a therapist trained in enmeshment.
Institute for Relational Recovery clinicians Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, and Regina DeBilio, LPC-Associate, are both trained by Dr. Ken Adams to help men and women in enmeshed relationships and facilitate enmeshment workshops for women. Erin and Regina can offer short-term coaching and consulting to you in any location, as well as longer-term enmeshment therapy only in Texas.
If you live in Texas and want to work with a therapist or have other mental health concerns, contact us on our contact page or call (214) 906-5138. For those outside of Texas, find a therapist specializing in enmeshed relationships here.
About the Author
Erin Wysong-Warren
LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP